NWLA WIFFLEMANIA
7/6/2015
by Trent Steffes
At first glance, it may seem like WWE and NWLA Tournament have anything to do with each other. One is a staged entertainment conglomerate, and one is a wrestling show. But after thinking about it, one may find more similarities than initially thought. Both are centered on entertaining. Both have characters that drive the “fun” factor. And both have giant jumbo-trons. So instead of giving you a preview podcast, power rankings, or roster announcement, I have decided to narrowcast our Pre-National article and book a fantasy Wifflemania card. Each team will get a WWE Superstar comparison and will be matched up with an opponent (or opponents) based on either clashing styles or potentially story-driven rivalries. The card will show the matchup, reason for comparisons and matchup, and the winner.
by Trent Steffes
At first glance, it may seem like WWE and NWLA Tournament have anything to do with each other. One is a staged entertainment conglomerate, and one is a wrestling show. But after thinking about it, one may find more similarities than initially thought. Both are centered on entertaining. Both have characters that drive the “fun” factor. And both have giant jumbo-trons. So instead of giving you a preview podcast, power rankings, or roster announcement, I have decided to narrowcast our Pre-National article and book a fantasy Wifflemania card. Each team will get a WWE Superstar comparison and will be matched up with an opponent (or opponents) based on either clashing styles or potentially story-driven rivalries. The card will show the matchup, reason for comparisons and matchup, and the winner.
Triple-Threat Dark Match
Stardust vs. Rosey vs. Curtis Axel
The Dark Match at any televised professional wrestling event is a match that doesn't get aired, serving the purpose of warming the crowd up. More often than not, it's a match chalk full of people low-list superstars. Stardust represents the BWACS Lot Lizards. Cody "Stardust" Rhodes has gone through a number of gimmicks in his day, much like BWACS went through a lot of name changes before the Regional Tournament (sorry guys. You won't live that down). Rosey is best known for being The Hurricane's sidekick, and was dubbed the "Super Hero In Training." It may seem lazy, but the comparison here is BWBLPA S.H.I.T. And finally we have the guy form Minnesota no one cares about, no matter what. Curtis Axel is very strong in some facets of wrestling, but lacks in others. the MNWA Gophers are strong hitters, but lack in pitching and mattering to others.
Winner: Curtis Axel (MNWA Gophers)
Us Gophers have a lot of potential, but it will take another step to get people to see it. Or anything positive about us at all. We win this match-up because it's my article and my team. Sorry, BWBLPA and BWACS.
Triple Threat Match for the Intercontinental Championship
Ryback (c) vs. Neville vs. Dolph Ziggler
Traditionally, the Intercontinental Championship is awarded to the "next big thing." It was used as a test for guys who were being groomed for the big time. Basically, guys who are one or two steps away. If there were a NWLA Tournament equivalent of the IC title, it would've gone to the MWLWI Mequonderers in 2014. They went from bad to very good last year, so that's why they're the current IC Champ, Ryback. Neville is billed in WWE as the "Next Sensation" so he serves as a perfect comparison in this context. Neville can hold his own with some of the best, and he has most of the tools to be successful. The HVWBL River Monsters are Neville. They have the right tools to succeed, but it might take a while to utilize them. Lastly, we have Dolph Ziggler. Dolph used to be pretty bad but recently has knocked off some of the top guys and shown a bit of promise after a dismal start. He also does some stand-up on the side. The obvious comparison here is SRL Hotel Sterling. They were awful last year and knocked off Freaky Franchise this year. Bill Reznak does some satire articles that a lot of people find funny. It's actually kind of eery to me.
Winner: Neville (HVWBL River Monsters)
Out of all the teams, I think Hudson Valley is the team most likely to take the next step. I think they have the talent to do it, and they don't seem to be on anyone's radar. SRL is obviously another contender but I'm not buying into the hype just yet. So HVWBL will be this year's MWLWI and make the leap into the better half of the field.
Singles Match
Cesaro vs. Randy Orton
Cesaro is a man who has all the right tools and talent in the world to be a mega star, but lacks the "it" factor it takes to get him there. For those reasons, the PWL Nationals are Cesaro. The Nats, in my eyes, should be among NWLA elite, but just aren't there and it might be because of the "it" factor. In this context, the "it" factor is a game-changing player. OCWA has Ryan Bush, WSEM has Stephen Farkas, TBW has the Harleys, SWBL has the Skibbes and HRL has Dr. Seuss. I may not be the most educated PWL NAtionals expert, but I don't see anyone on their roster on the level of those listed previously. Randy Orton is a superstar that fluctuates wildly on the card and is best known for coming OUTTA NOWHERE. I think the WWL Warrios possess this same quality. They did alright their first year, and went from the brink of elimination to Dangefield champs. And with the reigning National Player of the Year on their roster, there's no reason for people to doubt the 3-1 Warriors.
Winner: Cesaro (PWL Nationals)
Gallaway's Nats are poised to make the jump into the elite conversation, and with this being his last year at the realm there's no lack of motivation.
Singles Match
King Barrett vs. The Undertaker
King Barrett AKA Bad News Barrett AKA Wade Barrett. Unfortunately, a name change doesn't warrant a change in performance. No matter how many name changes they give to Ol' Wade, he'll still be mediocre. Just like the KWL Keggers (formerly Aces). Then you got the guy who can put on a decent match, but has a history of not showing up all that much. The Phenom, the Undertaker. And you guessed it: GBL Celebration Station gets crap for forfeiting again! I figure the joke will run its course pretty soon and I wanted to get mine in before it wasn't funny anymore. But hey. The Undertaker is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. Don't take it personally, GBL.
Winner: The Undertaker (GBL Celebration Station)
Despite what others think, I think GBL is good. Better than KWL.
No DQ Singles Match
Kevin Owens vs. Dean Ambrose
Whether some people like it or not, Kevin Owens is the next big thing in pro-wrestling. He debuted on the main roster a mere two months ago and has already become one of WWE's top performers. I forgot, am I talking about Kevin Owens or the HFWB Hitmen? The Hitmen were the best team headed into the final day until TBW overtook them, but damn. I see you, HFWB. We've seen the debut now we're waiting to see how it all comes to fruition. The Lunatic Fringe Dean Ambrose is a superstar who is really over (popular) with the fans but always seems to come up short of the big one. He's always near the main event but he can never seem to get over the hump. Just like how the SWBL Cardinals always seem to end up near the top but not in the main event. And the picture I've chosen can't be too far off of how Skibbe is feeling about the prospect of yet another third place finish.
Winner: Dean Ambrose (SWBL Cardinals)
You'd be hard pressed to find a team more hungry for a finals appearance than the Cardinals. It should be all they're focused on and will be dangerous in this tournament. Just like how Dean Ambrose is dangerous in the ring.
Singles Match
Sheamus vs. Roman Reigns
Sheamus has been a solid performer over the years but recently caught a stroke of luck and won the Money in the Bank contract, essentially giving him a World Title match whenever he wants, basically guaranteeing himself a championship reign. To me, the HRL Lady Slippers are a team who have been solid over the years and has a chance this year to pounce and grab the title. Roman Reigns was born and bred to be WWE Champion. He has all the tools to do so but for some reason, it remains elusive. OCWA Freaky Franchise relates most to Roman Reigns in my eyes because it's a team born and bred to be champion. They have the pitching and hitting but the title has eluded them twice, just like Roman Reigns. All it will tkae this year for OCWA to add another title to the Franchise trophy case will be the right opportunity.
Winner: Roman Reigns (OCWA Freaky Franchise)
Sometimes you just can't beat pure talent, but don't count HRL out just yet.
Main Event: WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match
Seth Rollins (c) vs. Brock Lesnar
Seth Rollins. As arrogant as they come but holy hell can he back it up. He's one of the best talkers and overall performers in the world today. He is also the current World Champion. So if we're talking cocky, talented, reigning champions, we're talking WSEM Dads, right? Everyone knows the Dads can talk a lot but you'd be dumb to say they don't back it up. Their montra is "pitching wins championships" and even without Austin Bischoff, they're the best. Brock Lesnar is a beast who is always in the main event, and captured and lost his title in the past two years. No question, Brock Lesnar is the comparison for the TBW Lightning. Lesnar is a fellow who doesn't lose very often when it matters, and neither are the TBW Lightning.
Winner: Seth Rollins (WSEM Dads)
Like last year, the Dads come out on top here. There's no legitmate reason why the Dads shouldn't be favored to repeat, but hey. What's the fun in being cookie-cutter? Because...
Money in the Bank Cash-In: WWE Championship Match
Sheamus vs. Seth Rollins (c)
Sheamus (HRL) comes down and chases in his free championship match. Seth Rollins (WSEM) is not pleased, as the two have a well documented rivalry.
Winner: Sheamus (HRL Lady Slippers)
HRL wins over WSEM because I think this year will be their year and they can capitalize on their opportunity and hey. I like HRL way more than WSEM.
Bonus
For a bonus, here's a list of comparisons of NWLA Tournament individuals to WWE Superstars:
Vince McMahon: Chris Gallaway
He's the boss. The chairman. The commish.
Paul Heyman: Carl Coffee
Legendary talker. Often seeks the help of his client (Stephen Farkas) to help him back up his words.
CM Punk: HWL Brew Jays
Bails because of lack of respect from the powers that be and others. Known for rants criticizing said powers and others.
Sami Zayn: Zack "Dr. Seuss" Eustis
Incredibly nice and humble guy. Incredibly good at what he does. Amazing beard when he chooses to grow it out. One of my BFF's.
Ric Flair: Derek Linderman
Because he's old. Get it? (I respect you, Derek. And look forward to seeing you in Ohio)
The Rock: Erik "H8R" Ganeles
Big mouth that isn't afraid to tell you why you suck.
The Godfather: Pat "Truck" Moriarty
Because he's the Godfather of wiffleball. And has a pimp hat. And a hoe train.
John Cena: Ryan Bush
He's the best. No if's, and's or mullets about it.
Double Bonus! NWLA/WWE Lookalikes!
Daniel Bryan and Peter Monsrud
Slap and beard on Peter and you've got a Daniel Bryan. It also helps that they're both short.
Erick Rowan and Chris "Hardball" Matthews
The lookalike is the guy on the left of the second picture. Not Dr. Seuss.
Trish Stratus and Andrew Lindor
This one was more about me looking at pictures of Trish Stratus than it is about Lindor having hair like a girl. It's aight though.
Edge and Edloe Donnan
I saw it the minute I met Edloe. I can't be the only one.